Don't let expectation lower your self-esteem

I'm finally getting my energy back after being ill.  I'm back into my exercise routine again, and it feels so good. I expect that I will only feel better with time and persistence.  That's right, I said the dirty word "expect".  I've noticed a few people saying that they don't have expectations.  Perhaps they're right, maybe they don't have expectations at all.  However, in my mind I believe that there's a balance to be struck between expectation and pinning your absolute hopes on one thing.

The balance I believe is that you need to keep your self-esteem in check.  For instance, if you're going on a first date with somebody it would be absurd not to have some hope of how you want that date to go.  Everybody wants that first date to go well.  Even if you both decide that you're not right for each other, the hope would be that you can part amicably.  However, it would not be good for your self-esteem to go on that first date and use that date as a measurement of your success as a person.  Yet, I believe that this is exactly what we do to ourselves when it comes to expectations.

Returning to that first date scenario (I believe it's a good one because people tend to put themselves under a lot pressure in this situation), how can we find balance with our expectations and our self-esteem?  Well, we can begin by paying attention to what we say to ourselves.  Are we saying things like, "What if they don't like me?" That question is ruining your date already and you're not even on the date yet. A date is a two-way street.  It gives you the chance to get to know one another a little better to see if there is a chance of friendship or maybe a romantic relationship. Reverse that question every time you think of it, "What if I don't like them?" or better yet, "Maybe we'll be each other's type, maybe we won't be".

Breathe deeply a few times and say this to yourself, "Maybe we'll be each other's type, maybe we won't be". I'm sure that feels differently than scaring yourself by saying, "What if they don't like me?" The question, "what if they don't like me?" assumes that you're not measuring up whereas "maybe we'll be each other's type, maybe we won't be" is balanced.  There is expectation or hope there but it is tempered with the reality that you may not be compatible.  My point is that you don't need to hang your hopes on that one date.  You are more than that one date.  A date is not a measure of you as either a success or a failure as a person. If it turns out that you're not compatible with the other person it's not a judgment on you.  It just means that you're not compatible.  Plenty of people are not compatible with us, and it is what it is.  There's nothing wrong with either of you as people. Be grateful that you had the experience, and know that you are a beautiful person.

You can balance your hopes/expectations and self-esteem in every area of your life. I just used dating as an example.  

Keep Smiling. 

The Singing Clown

I registered at www.authentichappiness.org to take a few of the personality tests.  These questionnaires have been empirically tested by psychologists.  That means that if you fib it will be reflected in your results. So, rest assured these tests are objective.


The scores are presented in terms of  percentage comparisons to people in your own age group.  So if you score 40% in one area that's not 40/100.  It means that you scored just as high or higher than 40% of people in your own age group.  It's similar to scores given on an IQ test.


One of the tests I took was called Brief Strengths.  I was not surprised that I scored just as high or higher than 99% of my peers on Social Intelligence. That means that only 1% of my peers scored higher than me on Social Intelligence. I've had similar tests in the past that have indicated a high score in this area for me.  What came next did shock me though.  On Humour/Playfulness I scored just as high or higher than 100% of my peers.  I am well aware that I have a sense of humour and am playful but I didn't expect such a high score.  I'm quite sure that David would agree with these results though especially when much to his chagrin, I spontaneously break into song and dance in the mornings.  I actually get a chuckle at his less-than-amused poker face when I sing and dance to him. ~giggle~ Love you, sweetheart <3.  


There were high scores in other areas as well but I'm not going to share them because there's just too many of them.  Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the results.  It also showed me a few areas that I could be honestly working on such as Gratitude.  My Gratitude score was just as high or higher than 57% of my peers.  A low score that indicates that I need to work on expressing gratitude to myself and others more often.  Maybe it's a good time to look at a few gratitude exercises outlined by Brene Brown.  That should kick-start me in the right direction.

Keep Calm They're Only Boobs

"Oh my God! What an amazing transformation! You've lost weight!" declared my doctor to me yesterday.  She was referring to the fact that I've lost a lot of weight since I last saw her.  Her expressive reaction made me feel all warm and tingly, and I smiled. I have a long way to go in my weight loss yet, and it will be gradual weight loss because it will give my body a chance to adjust as opposed to taking the weight off quickly.  Since my appointment, I have been thinking about the cosmetics industry and the effect it has on our society.


I have always felt upset by the cosmetics industry, especially when it comes to size.  I feel as though the cosmetics industry really plays on our insecurities in order to make us feel inferior to other people.  The magazines tell us that we're too fat even if we're not. The media also pressures us to mold ourselves to look like a certain type (generally that has been blonde, blue-eyed, and thin - not only is this look unrealistic, but also it is unrepresentative of other races). But, here's the catch, they apply extreme pressure to the models to be thin even when they are thin.  Many clients at Eating Disorders clinics are models or professional dancers (mostly ballet dancers) who developed their eating disorders because of the pressure to be thinner than they already are.  I remember working with a woman who was hospitalized with Anorexia.  She broke down in tears when she saw herself in the mirror because all she saw was that she was fat.   I weighed 300 lbs. at the time. I was standing right beside her, and she thought I was fine but found fault with herself. I felt very sad for her, and yet there was very little I could do to console her deep-seated anguish besides listen to her and encourage her when I could.


I want to distinguish between naturally thin people and the illnesses, Anorexia Nervosa & Bulimia.  I have known many people in my life who are naturally thin because they have high metabolisms.  There is a huge difference in the way naturally thin people behave around food and the way Anorexics and Bulimics do.  Naturally thin people have a normal food intake.  Anorexics refuse to eat or eat very little, and Bulimics purge what they eat through the use of laxatives or vomiting. Knowing this then,it's not fair to label a naturally thin person as an Anorexic.  It's not fair to judge a thin person based solely on their appearance.  Just as it is unfair to judge an overweight person based solely upon their appearance.  However, this is the effect that the media has had upon our society.  The media has bred an attitude of (what I like to call) the "I'm better than you because I have a nicer appearance" syndrome.  


At the beginning of this blog, I shared 2 posters with you.  One that says that all women are real and all women have curves.  I believe it's time we as a society look up from the fashion magazines we read, and take a look at life as it is.  Life is imperfect.  We are all imperfect beings. We all come in different shapes and sizes. The fashion magazines and other media sources portray life as perfect and everybody as perfect beings.  The media is lying to you. The cosmetics industry makes billions from our insecurities because deep down inside we know life is not supposed to be perfect but we always expect ourselves to be.

The other poster I shared with you says Keep Calm they're only Boobs.  A few months ago another blogger stated in their blog that women with large breasts were stupid. As a well-endowed woman, I can assure you that the other blogger 's assumption is false.  Such a statement/assumption reflects very poorly upon the writer herself. My question to her would be why would you assume that breast size is equivalent to my IQ? My breasts are not the sum total of myself as a person.  My breasts cannot give you my opinion, tell you a joke, or express kindness nor do I expect them to because they are just a body part.  And why stop at breast size and IQ? Why not other body parts like arm length? I don't think that anybody has drawn a comparison between a person's arm length and their IQ because that would be ridiculous, right? To me, it is just as ridiculous and irrelevant as comparing breast size and IQ.  


Finally, I want to say that I think that breasts of all sizes are beautiful.  First and foremost breasts are for feeding babies, and all breasts have that capacity. Size does not matter when it comes to the biological function of feeding babies.  The second point is that there is nothing to feel insecure about when it comes to breast size.  Breasts of all size get noticed and are appreciated.  If anybody tells you that you're not good enough for them because your breasts don't measure up to their standards I hope that you will not listen to them.  I hope that you show them the door and slam it in their face! Nobody has the right to reduce you to a body part.  If they just want a body part tell them to buy themselves an inflatable doll.

Rosie the Riveter

I've always adored Rosie the Riveter. In fact, I have a clock near my computer desk with her on it.  The older woman in this photo is apparently the lady Rosie the Riveter was modeled after. Her name is Geraldine, and she was 17 years old and working in a factory when a photo of her was taken.  That photo would become the legendary Rosie.  Personally, I think Geraldine has aged very well. She is still vibrant and beautiful. The question I pose to you today is how do we see ourselves aging?

When I used to think about aging I would often picture myself in a wheelchair in a nursing home.  In the past year, I have made a conscious effort to change that image.  Nowadays, I picture myself hiking, swimming, dancing and enjoying life well into my hundreds.  Barring any problems with chronic or fatal diseases, I plan to live a very long, full life.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking that you're too old to do something please remember Rosie.  You're never too old for anything.  You can do it!!

Mischief and Wisdom

Stoned on catnip again

Eyes aglow with mischief (just like his Mom)

My life would not be complete without this family member.  This is our cat, Shinigami. The name Shinigami is Japanese, and it refers to their cultural equivalent of the grim reaper.  He was named by a previous caretaker.  I originally wanted to call him Midnight but he only answers to Shinigami or Shini. In actual fact, Shini does suit his personality more than the name Midnight. He is a 7-year old feisty feline furball.


This is the story of how Shini came into our lives.  Seven years ago I had a conversation with one of my co-workers.  My co-worker was telling me that her sister had recently acquired a stray kitten.  Her sister was working in a store along Kingsway when a customer entered with a 2-month old black kitten in their arms.  The customer told her sister that the kitten was trying to cross Kingsway by itself.  My co-worker was looking for a home for the little kitten because they themselves already had too many pets.  Having just lost my previous cat to illness, I said yes without hesitating.


The day came when her sister needed to give Shini to us.  It was painfully obvious that her sister didn't want to give Shini away because she was crying when we met with them.  Shini kept looking over at my coworker's sister with sad, expressive eyes, (almost the shape of gumdrops), as though trying to console her.  She gave Shini to David to take home because I still was at work for the day.


We loved Shini right from the start. He has a larger than life attitude.  He is the only cat I have ever had who is told not to do something, decides that's not the way it is, and comes over to you and swipes at your leg with a defiant look on his face.  *Clearing throat* and in a sarcastic voice, "I have no idea where he would get that attitude from" LOL.  


I received some pearls of wisdom from my wonderful husband, David today.  I wasn't going to go to my TOPS meeting today because I've been on antibiotics, rather sedentary, and felt bloated.  I was afraid that I would be up in weight, and already feeling ashamed. He said, "You have nothing to be ashamed of.  If you start avoiding the scale because you've gained a pound or two then you're allowing your fear to take over.  You need to approach the scale, not in fear, but with a sense that you  are in control.  If you gain one week, take control again, and most likely you will be down the following week. Don't be afraid to be up in weight.  Don't be ashamed."  I Love You, David. Thank you for your support and encouragement <3

Newman's Face says it all

This is my happy face

The bulldog in the photo is named Newman.  He belongs to my friends, Sara & Sean. I Thank them for letting me copy the photo of  Newman. This photo sums up how I've been feeling for the past few days. I've been on antibiotics since last Friday, and it's zapping my energy.  I didn't work out on the weekends due to my illness and  I really missed it.  I had some energy today so I went to my exercise class but I kept my movements rather low-key. I feel as though I'm slowly rejoining the land of the living again.  

I meant to have the Homer Simpson video down here but this is where my technological culpabilities make a mockery of me.  Oh well, enjoy life and pleasant dreams

The Highest Calling

"The world is going to end in December of this year.  Did you know that?" This is what my friend said to me with absolute certainty the other day. I caught myself raising a skeptical eyebrow at him, sighing, and saying, "No, it's not going to end". During our debate he mentions the Mayan Prophecies predicting that the world will end this year.  I told him that it was my understanding that the Mayan Prophecies were not referring to the end of the physical world at all, but that there will be a change coming. Please refer to the video link of an interview with a Mayan Elder talking about the prophecies. www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVxo1AvV_KQ  (I've added this link just in case the link at the top does not work.  I don't have a lot of confidence in my technological capabilities.  Perhaps a better term to describe my capabilities would be technological culpabilities because I'm generally guilty of not understanding almost everything about it).  <:oP


I'm not so sure if the prophecy will or won't come to pass in any way, shape or form but I am sure that it is better to let people in the culture talk about what it means to them instead of us putting our own meaning to it.  The same is true for individuals - allowing a person to speak for themselves rather than putting words into their mouth is better for everybody concerned.


Aside from the prophecy I would like to share with you a few observations that I have made about the world changing.  People can call this what they want whether it's the Age of Aquarius en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_Aquarius , ancient prophecies of any kind, new age - whatever. For me, this is just my observations.


In the past decade, in the Western cultures, there has been more interest in connection with others, mindfulness, & understanding ourselves and others. Some people have found this path through Buddhist thought, meditation, yoga and other spiritual paths.  Other people have found this path through research such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSO6iAFekPw , Positive Psychology (see link in Positive Psychology blog please), and researchers like Brene Brown www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPbkvhPuRk&feature=related .  Brene is a Social Worker who has researched personality traits associated with fulfillment. Then there are those, like myself, who have learned through both the spiritual paths and the research.


What I observe is that people are wanting a more genuine, fulfilling life.  That they strive to break loose from self & socially imposed shackles and chains to a life of gratitude, genuineness, deepening connection with other people, and mindfulness.  I believe that we will see this type of research being done for years to come. I also believe that gratitude, genuineness, deep connection, and mindfulness is the crux of spirituality.  There is no higher calling than connection, empathy, openness and understanding other people.

Gramma's Shoes

Beaded drop-waist dresses, shoes with squared heels, hats that have a coy flirtatious flair, short hair called "the boy look", and a first-time taste of independence.  The 1920s were the first decade that women really truly tasted independence.  They had received the vote, and had been recognized as persons by the law.  The fashions of the 1920s reflected that new found freedom and independence. 


I went with some friends to see the Art Deco Fashion Exhibit at the Museum of Vancouver today.  The exhibit contained clothing from Canada, USA and Europe from 1920 - 1930s.  It had day wear, evening wear and everything in between. I loved looking at the purses, gloves, hats and shoes too. It reminded me of some of the items that as a child I would see in my Grandmother's wardrobe.  I remember trying on a pair of her purple velvet shoes from that era. She did catch me trying them on.  I thought she would get upset with me but she didn't.  She just smiled at me and said that those shoes were one her favourites. She understood why I was attracted to them because she was too. That's a nice memory for me.


On another note, I have not been working out this weekend because  I have been ill.  Nothing too serious or contagious, but it's certainly something that has slowed me down for now.  

Living Vicariously Through Gossip

If you're going to gossip about me make it interesting and juicy because I live vicariously through it :). Apparently, I live quite a full life according to the gossip.  Now, of course, this doesn't mean that I don't take the time to correct the gossip to people who matter in my life because I do.  The keyword is that they have to matter to me, and vice versa. It's just that as I get older I am more amused  by gossip than I was when I was younger.  It's quite creative what some people's minds can come up with in spite of evidence to the contrary.  I've come to the point in my life where gossip, and other people's opinions of me are taking a back seat. This is in line with what researchers say about the different stages of life that we go through.  At around age 40, we stop worrying about what other people think about us because we're tired of it. 


I absolutely adore people who enjoy life, whatever that means for them. For instance,  there's a beauty to seeing an avid reader getting into a good book, hearing the boisterous laugh of the social butterfly, or joining in the wild giggles and cackles after somebody tells a juicy dirty joke. "Just be yourself" - you know, the advice that your parents gave to you when you were a teenager. The very words that as teenagers we would roll our eyes at because we didn't fully comprehend the deep meaning behind it. "Just be yourself" are some of the wisest words ever spoken.  I'm not advocating that people run a muck and break every social taboo going.  I'm just encouraging people to be themselves, whatever that is for them.

I'm leaving you with a quote from one of my favourite Nigerian writers, Ngugi wa Thiong'o, "Belief in yourself is more important than endless worries of what others think of you. Value yourself and others will value you.Validation is best that comes from within.” When I read those words from his autobiography they really touched my heart. It sums up everything - confidence, self-love, and of course, being yourself.

 

Cantonese

It's already been an interesting day.  One of my neighbours is an elderly Cantonese lady.  She appears to have Dementia/Alzheimers/Schizophrenia. She came to my door this morning and asked if I could drive her to T&T (Chinese supermarket).  I tried to explain to her that I don't drive but it became obvious that she did not understand.  She can only speak a little bit of English, and I don't understand Cantonese at all. I called my friend, Ken to come and pick us up and take us to T&T and he obliged. I accompanied her inside the store where I was able to find a staff person who speaks Cantonese and could help her.  The staff person told me that she comes there all the time.  My neighbour told me that I could go home.  I, in fact, did leave her because the staff know her there and were keeping an eye on her.  


When I returned home I spoke to the resident Manager and he said he would call one of her sons and tell them what happened and that she is at T & T.  I feel so much better knowing that one of her sons knows her whereabouts. I was quite concerned for her safety and still feel rather protective of her, but I did not want to make her feel caged by just hanging around. I'll need to touch base with one of her sons to find out what to do in the future should that happen again.  I know her sons, we have spoken before but never about their Mom. I'm thinking that I need to learn some basic, conversational Cantonese so that I can more readily understand her.  The thought of learning that language thrills me. One of my favourite movie directors is Stephen Chow. Just learning a little bit of Cantonese will help to appreciate his movies more fully.


No body sculpt class today because I'm going dancing with some friends tonight.  I can't wait!!!

Thunderbird

I'd like to Thank my friend, Cynthia, for today's topic. The story of Thunderbirds has always fascinated me. The Thunderbird appears in the stories of many First Nations' peoples.  Admittedly though, I have only really heard the stories from the West Coast Nations.  I'm sure that the Eastern Nations had similar stories, I just have not heard of them.


I have often wondered from time-to-time whether Thunderbird was a Pterosaur (i.e Pterodactyl or similar large bird from the Pleistocene era).  I posed this question to one of the staff members at the Lil'wat Cultural Centre last year.  I knew immediately that I was wrong by the way she looked at me.  She was not rude about it, all that she said was that there were Thunderbirds still living in Alaska. There are other possibilities as well, was Thunderbird a very large Eagle? Please bear in mind that when settlers first started arriving in the Americas that the flora and fauna were different.  (Some animal species have disappeared such as a species of very large 300 lbs. Beavers.  This particular species of Beaver was hunted to extinction for its fur). With that in mind, it is not a stretch to think that there were birds of prey (perhaps a species of Eagle) that grew very large. But then I read what my friend Cynthia had to say about it this morning and she shared this link www.weirdus.com/states/washington/bizarre_beasts/thunderbird/index.php  I realize that this link is more of a pseudo-scientific article but it has some interesting ideas.  Of course, for me, what stood out was the part where Thunderbird has been spotted in Alaska just as the woman at the Lil'wat Cultural Centre had mentioned to me. 


For those of you wanting a fitness update: I went to Athletic Step with The Boot Camp Queen last night.  As I was working out I noticed that my right knee was becoming sore again.  I took some time after class to speak to my instructor, Michelle.  Michelle showed me a few knee-strengthening exercises that I can practice at home.  After doing some of knee exercises last night my knee feels better already.  Thank you, Michelle!!

Coffee is my Ambrosia

Ambrosia may be the nectar of the gods, but coffee is mine. There's nothing quite like the smoothness of that first taste of coffee in the morning.  I savour the smell of fresh brewed coffee. Every morning when I wake up it is there waiting for me. Calling my name. Tempting me.  Every morning I give into it's seduction.  Coffee is the one thing I probably will never give up because I enjoy it too much. 


Instead of having a sinking feeling, I'm having a shrinking feeling these days.  All of the physical training I'm participating in is shrinking my body quickly. I just received a skirt yesterday that I purchased online.  I measured myself when I ordered it to ensure I was getting the right size.  The waistband is already loose.  I'm very happy about my progress.  I begin my third full week of training this week for the Breast Cancer Fundraiser in April 2013. I'm back in the Boot Camp Queen's class today.


So, I'll leave you with one thought today: You are good enough. Nobody is superior to you.  We are all equal.

Positive Psychology

I finished up my yoga session today with a few restorative poses.  I almost feel asleep in Corpse Pose. What's with me in the past few days? It seems all I have done is sleep.  I had lunch with friends yesterday, came home, fell asleep, got up around 7:30pm and ate supper, then fell back to sleep until 4:30 this morning.  Aye yi yi!  Now my body wants to sleep again. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping, but I usually don't do this much.  Maybe my body is finally catching up on the sleep it's been missing in the past few weeks. After all, I have been pretty restless the past few weeks.  I suppose it had to normalize at some point.


I have the most amazing circle of friends.  A few of us got together for lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory yesterday.  Lots of laughs and good discussions.  They all radiate really positive, supportive energy. A few mentioned before the group met that they were experiencing some feelings of unworthiness.  The very topic that I have been blogging about lately. We all struggle with our self-esteem for time-to-time.  As many of you know, I have been a psychology until very recently when I switched Sociology.  One of the topics that I was taught about besides Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, is Positive Psychology.  Positive Psychology is not to be confused with positive thinking.  Positive Psychology is about being in each moment to enjoy it fully. I have found a lecture on Ted Talks that presents the subject well.  Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FBxfd7DL3E&feature=share


(Just click the link.  I hope it works)

Meditation

With every breath I felt myself becoming more relaxed, more grounded, more centered. "Just watch your breath, feel your rib cage expand.  Whenever you notice your mind wandering, just bring your thoughts back to your breath," the calm voice of the meditation instructor said. 


Meditation is a tool we can use to get more in touch with our inner emotions and thoughts. My understanding is not to force or try to control the thoughts, but to refocus the thoughts should we find them wandering. Just concentrate on breathing and watching the breath.  Meditation is a difficult practice for me because my mind tends to wander, and ponder.  Sometimes I use guided meditations to help me to focus. For people who have anxiety issues, you have moments when your thoughts race so to try to calm down is a difficult task. This is where exercise comes into play for me.  As a person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I have found that one of the ways to manage it is through daily exercise. Daily exercise has made it possible for me to do more meditation. Admittedly, I am not anywhere near meditating for an hour each day.  But I start with small sessions of 2 - 5 minutes each day.  This way my body and mind can adjust to having quiet time at a certain time each day. I will increase the number of minutes to each meditation session gradually.  The point to meditation is that it's a no-pressure time, just time to be quiet and watch our breath, and relax.  


Today, I did my kickboxing class and tomorrow I'm doing Power Intervals.  I will take a few minutes each day to meditate and watch my breath.  I will also take some time to reflect on how grateful I am for everyone and everything in my life.  


Take time to be with you, and stay beautiful 

The Long and Winding Road

I believe in ecological restoration, that is, the removal of invasive species of plants and animals to assist the indigenous flora and fauna.  As part of this movement, David and I are volunteers with Vancouver Parks in the Turtle Nest Monitoring program.  This program assists the indigenous and red-listed (endangered) Western Painted Turtle by monitoring their nest laying. The nesting season has come to an end this year, and we look forward to doing it again next year.  In the meantime, the biologists need more nest cages in order to protect the turtles' eggs from predators.  As with most things regarding the environment, the government has cut a lot of money out of the budget for the park.  So, in order to get the materials to make the cages, we're going to have to fund-raise.  David and I have a few ideas that we will be presenting to the biologists.  I'm rather excited about the prospect of raising funds for this cause.  It will be interesting to see how the road will twist, turn and finally end up at on this journey.


For the next few months my Psychologist wants me to write down my experiences that suggest that my core beliefs about myself are not 100% true all the time. Every time this happens throughout my day I am to log the experience.  By the time I see her in a few months I will probably have at least 100 such experiences logged. The idea is that I will have evidence that my core belief about myself is not true.  She was amazed at how many changes I have made since the last time I saw her.  I quit smoking and it's been a month now, I have started training for the Breast Cancer fundraiser, and I have started this blog.  She was absolutely astounded and didn't feel that I needed a lot of homework besides the core beliefs exercise.


Tomorrow I'm back with Boot Camp Queen for kickboxing! Bring it on!

Changing through Self-Love

I was back in interval body-sculpt class with the Drill Sergeant today.  He's getting married on Saturday so tonight is his Bachelor Party.  He announced to everyone before class that before he wrecks his body at his party that he would be working the class extra hard today.  Once I heard these words my eyes grew as large as saucers.  Then I heard the woman behind me smilingly say,"Oh no! We're all gonna die!" That was the tension breaker everybody around her needed as we all cracked up laughing. 

In speaking with my wonderful husband and a friend of mine today, they helped me to realize that I have a tendency to put myself down. Putting myself down has become such a habit over the years that it almost feels comforting.  It's the old friend that never lets you down especially when something goes wrong. Now, I've been trying in the last 6 months to change this pattern of thinking as part of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for my Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I believe that this is particular pattern of thinking is stubborn, and change-resistant because it's an actual core belief of mine.  This is not an excuse not to change it, it's just that I realize that I have a battle with my mind coming, but there is no loser in this battle as long as I keep trying.  That is, I am worth the change. I am worth fighting for even if it is a fight within myself to re-frame negative thoughts. If people don't like me that is their loss, not mine. If I don't like myself, that is a serious loss to myself.  But you know, I do like myself, I just need to break an old habit and say Good Bye to my negative thoughts.

 

She Shoots! She Scores!

"She shoots! She scores!" If you watch hockey then you're familiar with "He shoots! He scores!".  I like taking mundane tasks and making them fun. I've recently turned my yard work into a game that is a cross between hockey and lacrosse.  I pick up pine cones on the rake and then flick them at a nearby tree.  If the pine cones hit the tree then I've scored, anything else is a miss.  I was having fun with this game this morning as I was cleaning the pine cones off of my lawn and sidewalk.


For those of you who read my blog yesterday, you know that I was concerned about not getting enough sleep. I'm glad to report that I slept through the night last night, but was up with the sun this morning.  That's fine with me because I love watching the sun rise. It gave me time to do some yoga, meditation, and go out for a walk.  The meditation did me a world of good.  It was very nice to take deep breaths, slow down my thinking and become grounded.  As mentioned in yesterday's blog I have had a surge of energy that sometimes makes me feel restless. 


I also had my TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) meeting today.  To date, I have lost 35 lbs. ! Yay! Of course, becoming more physically active has really helped to me to drop pounds too. Some of my friends and I have challenged each other to a fitness contest that will last until the end of summer.  The person who clocks the most hours of physical activity gets a coffee bought for them.  It will be interesting to see the outcome of this challenge.

Empowering Energy

I am loving these long, hot summer days.  I cannot get enough of the sun this year.  I feel as happy as a reptile basking in the sunshine.  It rained too much this year and for too long not to enjoy the sun while we have it.

In this last week I registered for my courses this fall.  This has made me pause and think ahead to the fall.  I have had to contact my Academic Adviser this week.  I also need to contact Disability Services to make arrangements to put my textbooks on alternate format, and write my exams.  Yesterday, I contacted my professors for a course syllabus but I have not heard back from them as of yet.  Then again, it's only been a day. I really don't want summer to end, it's just getting started and in many ways so am I.


To continue my thoughts about getting started, I am really getting into the fitness training routine.  For the most part, I enjoy it immensely, I feel empowered and I have endless energy it seems.  I get a little annoyed sometimes with how many squats are done in the classes.  I didn't think I would be able to sit down after class today we did so many it seemed. Sometimes I find myself becoming restless as though I can't stay still because I have so much energy.  I have waking up very early in the mornings and I don't fall asleep until almost midnight. Thankfully this morning I fell asleep about an hour after waking up initially.  Going back to sleep is a good thing because I'm doing such intense workouts it's important for me to get adequate rest. Hopefully tonight I will sleep through the night.




 

 

I'm Watching You

His hand gestured in my direction as he said, "I'm watching you!" A smile coming across his face.  These words and actions were from my Grandfather who was always teasing me.  He knew that I enjoyed being mischievous. I attended a lecture tonight about the history of the Indian Act.  As a person of mixed heritage (Mohawk and Caucasian), I was aware of some of the issues brought forth in this lecture.  I am always pleasantly rewarded with new knowledge at these lectures and tonight was no exception.

There was an aspect about the Haudenosaunee (my ancestry) mentioned tonight that I did not know.  Apparently, the Haudenosaunee, and in particular, the ones from The Six Nations Reserve (my ancestors reserve) have been the Nations who carefully watched the government and politics and then drew the attention of other First Nations to the issues.  This struck a deep chord within me because this year I have started watching the parliamentary debates more.  When legislation is trying to be passed that I don't agree with (in particular to First Nations issues) then I have been drawing peoples' attention to it.  Some traits really do get passed down from one generation to the next.  I am lucky to have learned that this trait came from my ancestors.

Tomorrow I start my third week of fitness training.  Back to the Boot Camp Queen's class.  I've started to notice just how much energy I have.  I have so much energy right now.  It's all to go to a good cause too.

A Lover, Not a Fighter

It's another sunny day in the rain forest.  I peaked at the garden today and my strawberries are ripening, but my basil has died.  I will uproot it tomorrow and put it in the compost. Looking ahead at my schedule tomorrow it looks like I have a busy day.  I go to volunteer at the Metis office, and then I'm going to a presentation about the Indian Act. Somewhere in that schedule I need to find time for a walk.


People who know me know that I don't like conflict.  That doesn't mean I won't deal with conflict when it arises, it just means that I don't like it.  I always joke with David that I'm a lover, not a fighter.  Essentially that is true though, I would rather be around people who want to have fun rather than people who argue for the sake of arguing.  When people begin a verbal tug of war it becomes a competition about who is right.  Life is not always about being right.  Life is about love and connection with others.  When people turn an argument into a whose right competition they lose that connection. In truth, we don't get a long with everybody nor should we but at some point in the argument somebody needs to say, "Let's agree to disagree" and leave it at that. Otherwise, the argument can take many strange, disconcerting, and disheartening forms and it doesn't benefit the people arguing or the people in the immediate vicinity.


To update you who want to know how my physical fitness training is going, I did 45 minutes on the Elliptical today.  I feel empowered.  I love to feel the burn!

Creative Feelings

Feelings and thoughts are creations of our minds.  Our feelings, our thoughts - and nobody else's. Nobody else is responsible for those feelings and thoughts;just us.  I was recently reminded of this when a friend of mine broke a few boundaries or so I thought. The truth of the matter is that my perception of the broken boundary may not be hers at all.  Yes, I am still hurt and confused about some of her actions but until I speak with her then I don't really know what's on her mind.  To get to the heart of the matter then I need to be vulnerable and willing to share with her my perceptions, feelings and fears.  This requires me to put on my big girl panties and step up to the plate.  I realized this when I was in my kickboxing class this morning.

The wonderful thing about changing your lifestyle from sedentary to one filled with physical activity is that your body is not the only thing that changes.  Physical activity increases your brain's serotonin, and dopamine neurotransmitters. As well, those lovely endorphins get released.  All these chemical, hormonal and neurological changes really does have a positive effect on the body and the mind.  So, when I first started working out this morning I was still feeling in a low mood.  Mid-way through the class my energy was increasing and by the end of class I was fully energized.  However, I was still feeling confused and upset when I left class.  It actually wasn't until about 30 minutes after the class that I was able to get in touch with my true feelings about my friend.  It felt as though I found my heart. I realized that I was most likely being too hard on my friend. After all, she deserves the chance to speak for herself about the matter without me putting words into her mouth. We have arranged to talk later today. I look forward to opening up a new and more meaningful door to our friendship.

Can you believe it? Tomorrow marks the first 2 weeks of physical training in preparation for the breast cancer fundraiser in April 2013.  I am feeling good about that.

Ronalda MacDonald

Ronald MacDonald's bikini-clad, tattooed sister was hanging around the Drive today.  She held up a sign that read, "Nobody is the Body Police". It was her protest against the anti-abortion group who were also protesting in the area.  The Drive always has a lot of activity.  I see these quiet protests happen all the time there. I think there must be an abortion clinic in that area.  At any rate, I just go about my own business usually. 


As I get older, I worry less about the labels that people stick on others.  I'm more interested in emotional connection with people, not just writing them off with some label. I enjoy chatting with others and finding out about them, but most importantly, I want to know what they think, how they feel.  I'm interested in understanding who they are.  When two people can emotionally connect, have an understanding of each other life becomes so much richer.

"Yes, Drill Sergeant!"

It's been such a beautiful, sunny day.  I want to be out in the sun as much as possible.  This morning I was out tending to my garden, and what we have of a lawn.  I was raking the freshly cut grass, and pine cones off the lawn when I heard a deep, masculine voice say,  "Do you want a job?"  The popularly known and proverbial tall, dark, and handsome was smiling flirtatiously at me. My cheeks turned bright red and I smiled back.  He is the supervisor of  the lawn maintenance crew at our townhouse complex.  I hadn't realized that they were raking the grass today, otherwise I would have left it for them to do. We spoke for a few minutes and then he continued his work, and I tended my garden.  My basil plant is looking rather ill these days.  The poor little thing is wilting and the sunshine doesn't seem to be doing it any good.  I am still hopeful for it but if it doesn't improve in the next few days I may need to get another one.

"Squat for 10, 9, 8, 7...1.  And again for 10, 9, 8, 7...1." Such were the instructions of the aerobics/body sculpt class teacher today.  This particular class focused on interval training and core strengthening.  The instructor for this class was a Drill Sergeant in his own right.  Occasionally during the class we would have to do squats and then raise one of our legs.  I almost burst out laughing when I saw myself do this exercise because it reminded me of what Sumo Wrestlers do. All I needed to do was add the "Ho!" and grunts and I would have fit in with any Sumo Wrestling practice. The Drill Sergeant told me that he was happy I could keep up with the class, and that he didn't have to cue me too often.  


As I work out more I have realized that I actually enjoy sweating.  I like the feel of it pouring out of my skin, and the salty taste I get whenever I lick my lips. I am happy with the energetic vibe of the classes that I attend.  I like how physically strong my body feels when I work out.





 

The 10 lbs. Challenge

I belong to a weight-loss support group called TOPS.  My chapter was involved in a 10 lbs weight loss challenge for 10 weeks (1 pound per week).  The results of that challenge were in today and I was 1/4 pound from the full 10 lbs.  I received a certificate that acknowledged my 9.25 lbs. weight loss though so that was nice.  Plus the group also acknowledged that I had quit smoking during the 10 weeks, and gave me a lot of kudos for that.  I was pleased overall.

I had a nice dinner and evening with a friend of mine.  It was so great to see them again. It's nice to see people and catch up with what is new in their lives. I wish I could see this friend more often than I do.

I'll be working out tomorrow morning.  It's another intense cardio class called Maxed Out.  I most likely will be maxed out of energy after the class. I will update you tomorrow.

The Fittest Fun House Mirror

Survival of the Fittest, I really think that should be the name of the Step Class I attend.  I've noticed that my endurance is getting better which means that I am getting fitter. If I wanted a stroll in the park then I wouldn't be at the Step Class.  I just like having fun, and that means that I sometimes exaggerate for effect to make things humorous. I love making people laugh.

A passing conversation with the Boot Camp Queen before class had some nice surprises.  Not only did she join the Bust-A-Move Fundraiser for Breast Cancer but she also has registered to be one of the instructors leading a class. I think it's wonderful that she is able to offer her experience as a Fitness Instructor to such a good cause.

Before class the Boot Camp Queen gives a pep talk to the group about the intensity of her classes.  "I am not here to be liked.  If I were here to be liked then I wouldn't be doing my job. I am here to help you reach your goals..." her voice fades into the background as I notice my reflection in one of the mirrors.  My reflection made me look tall and fit.  Now that is some fun house mirror trick! Wow! Now to convince other people that I look that way.  It made me smile just thinking about that.   But perhaps this is a foreshadowing of sorts.  I am as tall as I am going to get, but as long as I am physically active my body will change for the better.

Chivalry Wanders Aimlessly

Canada Day celebrations were a howling good time.  I went to see a fireworks display with a friend of mine. We went to the Cloverdale fairgrounds.  Sam Roberts was performing in concert, and the crowd was swaying back and forth to the music enjoying themselves.  After scarfing down a smokie (large hot dog), we made our way through the throngs of people to find a place to watch the fireworks. 

"Chivalry's not dead, it's wandering aimlessly" I said with a smile in response to trying to navigate the crowds of youth mindlessly following their own groups of friends around.  We finally reached a spot that was perfect for watching the fireworks display. Brilliant colours abounded when the fireworks started; a whole rainbow of colours.  Some of the fireworks looked as though they were leaping out of the night sky towards you. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

We got home late last night so I did not get the chance to blog yesterday.  I went to the gym yesterday for my workout.  Can you believe I have had one full week of training to get in shape for the breast cancer fundraiser?  Time flies when you're having fun and even when you're not having fun.  I'd rather spend my time having fun.