The Punching Bag

Sometimes we back ourselves into a corner emotionally, mentally, physically and may be even spiritually.  When that happens we tend to lash out at other people, especially those who are closest to us.  After all, it's easier to blame other people in our lives than to take a long, careful and introspective look at ourselves.  To use a simile, we become like verbal and emotional boxers when we lash out at others.

Our own fears and anxieties are feeding our thoughts during times of stress.  We anxiously look around ourselves to figure out why we're feeling stressed.  During times of stress we tend to see people and circumstances in black and white terms as though all things said and done have been carved into stone. We need to remember that nothing is carved in stone. If we're not self-aware, we could start using people who are closest to us as our own personal punching bags.

There is a way to help slow down, if not stop, our inner boxers from lashing out at those we love:

1.  Ask yourself this question: Is it true?  Then consider what evidence you have of this thought or circumstance being true.  Let's take an example such as the thought, "This person doesn't care about me!" Ask yourself: What's my evidence that the person doesn't care about me?  
2. Examine the evidence.  Then ask yourself, "Does this evidence actually support my thought that the person doesn't care?" Perhaps the evidence is flimsy and one-sided once you begin to really consider it.  Perhaps it's not flimsy and one-sided, perhaps you really do have a valid concern.  
3. If it turns out that you have a valid concern then you need to discuss those concerns with the other person.  Perhaps you've realized that there was something that was said or a circumstance that arose that really bothered you.  One way to start such a conversation would be to use the W.I.N. Formula :  When I see/hear you do/say ___________.  I feel (or think) __________. I need ______.  By the way, the more specific you are with how you feel, and what you need, the more effective your communication becomes.

For example, When I hear the words, "I talk to you all the time", I feel taken foregranted and dismissed.  I need reassurance that I am important to you.

Hopefully, this strategy will open up conversation between you and the other person and will lead to a deeper connection. If you still feel as though you and the other person are not understanding each other you may wish to consider having somebody facilitate the conversation.  Facilitation allows for an objective person to re-word what each of you is saying.  The other route you may wish to consider is professional counselling together.